hollowchild | IC Inbox

You haven't said a thing about your relationship beyond you being expected to fix his errors.

Why should that be relevant?

Because you followed him into that [a vague gesture at his bandaged arm] at very least, and that's not really a least.

I followed him because I had responsibilities to upkeep. I followed him to keep my mother safe. I followed him because this is what he was preparing me for. We just didn't think it'd be this early on, nor did we think he'd be caught and carted to Azkaban when I was fifteen.

I idolized my father to a point, but I had to do whatever it took to keep my mother safe.

Those aren't really bad choices, Draco. Made in ignorance, but that's not on you.

I'm not ignorant. I'm not allowed to be ignorant. And I wasn't really allowed to say no anyway.

Then it wasn't actually your choice at all. You can refuse a choice.

...I could have refused, but I know better than choosing to.

Not a choice, Draco. He didn't leave you a choice.

...my father always said that we had a big responsibility as Malfoys because we were some of the only pureblooded wizards left. And that was something to be valued and cherished, not to mention be put on display. [Sophie do you see where this is going.]

[straight to the land of lucius malfoy is a manipulative asshole. she just nods though.]

My father also always said that his marriage to my mother meant that I was part of two of the biggest, oldest and wealthiest pureblood families of our kind. [There's a slightly bitter smile.] Obviously that meant that I was something to be proud of and constantly watched. As a Malfoy I had the responsibilities of being articulate, brilliant, and powerful. That's it. That's all I had to do. My father expected perfection and I was expected to deliver it because that's just what you do.

Because perfection is such a small and easily achieved thing.

Yes, exactly. [He. Completely missed the sarcasm in that statement.] That's why that was my only job.

Draco. Sarcasm. Perfection is literally impossible.

Tell that to my father. It's what was expected and so it's what I was born to do. Ever since I was a child my father brought in the finest tutors money could buy before shipping me off to Hogwarts to make sure I was brilliant. He taught me to fly to assure that I'd best everyone once I got to school. Social function after social function to assure me that I was already held in the highest regard among my peers. All of that should have, theoretically, been the perfect formula. Especially when you add in the lessons he taught me himself.

"Purity will always conquer." That's what the family crest says, and that's what Father drilled into my head from an early age. Did you know that I actually believed that what the Dark Lord was doing was correct for some time? I actually thought the world would have been better to separate purebloods from half-bloods and mu--muggleborns. [Nice safe, Draco. Let's not drop more mudblood bombs, huh?] Because what was pureblood was perfect, and perfect was pureblood.

I would if I could. [with the point of a knife, from her tone]

Should I be appalled that you believed what you were painstakingly raised to believe?

[Another shrug. Another sniff. Okay. Okay, this is actually kind of harder than he anticipated. And he's not even really doing much beyond scratching the surface.]

I have no idea. You should probably be appalled I aspired to be him until I was fifteen. My father's still a great man though. [But his tone suggests there's a lot more to it than that.]

I'm not, though. You'll have to try harder to apall me.

[she tugs him just a little closer]

He's a great man?

[He's nodding and ignoring the fact his eyes are blinking a lot faster than usual to clear his vision.] Of course he is. He's still my father. He raised me, didn't he? He loves me enough to keep me alive and fight to protect us. [Sort of. It's hard to say and he's almost terrified to even voice aloud that he questions his dad's true motivations.]

He did do those things.

[which is damning with faint praise in her book, but she's not ready to push more. the doubt is already there in his voice]

...but in some cases you have to wonder if it's enough. If I can't be what I was designed to be, is that still enough? Or is it another case where we just someone else to take my place and finish the job?

It's very, very rare that I'm actually good enough for him to not correct something. [He doesn't sound like someone crying for daddy's approval, but it's just matter-of-fact. That may actually be worse.] My father always had corrections. "Draco fix your tie." "Draco don't boast." "Draco, if you don't get your grades up you're going to be nothing more than a common thief." "Draco stop being sick." "Draco stand up straight." "Draco how dare you embarrass me like this." "Draco how could you possibly let the Potter boy beat you at Quidditch?" "Draco how could you possibly let the mudblood girl get higher marks than you?" "Draco you're never going to be successful if you continue to act this way. Draco--"

[And he stops because that list could go on and on. The list does go on and on. He's doing his best not to look at her though, and he's doing his best to ignore the fact his composure's cracking again.]

Anyway. It doesn't matter. It's just how things are and it's how things are going to be.

I think it matters. And maybe that's what was and what will be, but it doesn't have to be what is. You can decide someone else's judgment matters now. You're just Draco. Nobody is demanding the ridiculous.

[besides draco himself. sophie is pretending not to notice his composure]

Completely not true. People may not be verbally demanding it but I commend my father for at least being clear about his expectations. With everyone else I have to do the guesswork and try even harder to be exactly what's expected. Let's take Jade for example. I'm never going to be exactly what she wants. I've accepted that, but I'm trying. In trying though I'm continually fucking everything up and I'm almost positive that if I continue I'm going to lose her for good. I'd rather not do that. I'd rather focus on perfection.

Let's take the apothecary for another example. Nobody wants to buy from a half-arsed wizard with half-arsed products. I have to be perfect in my formulas and my theories and my ideas. If I'm not, that's another set of people I'm failing.

Let's take you for example. I already made mistakes with you, too, that I can't take back. How am I supposed to be able to keep everything balanced and okay and actually live a life here if I can't even keep things perfect?

[He's really fixated on this idea and he's kind of growing into hysterics here.]

But it's hard. Okay? It's hard to try and actually accomplish these things because somehow, someway, someone's going to get fucked over and it's probably always going to be me which ties back into dishonoring the Malfoy name and being the biggest disgrace my father's ever seen. [Annnnd that's it. The floodgates have opened and he's just babbling a lot faster than usual, like he's trying to get everything out before he chickens out. Never mind the fact he might be hard to understand, never mind the fact he's crying, never mind the fact he's busy pulling at his bangs to give him something to do.]

I try. I try so much harder than I can even bother letting people believe because nobody would believe me anyway. I'm the arrogant one. I'm the selfish one. And I was because that's how I was successful, that's how I came out on top. Everything became several kinds of fucked up when I was told I had to be a teenage assassin and I had absolutely no one to take the fall and pass the responsibility off on. It was just me and me alone with the task and I knew that someone was going to get fucked over. I didn't want to kill Dumbledore. I didn't want to do any of what the mission entailed because it was too much. It meant way too much and everything was going to change and I was going to change and if I changed it wouldn't be according to my father's plans and so I was trying to stay on course and I was trying to find a way out and it just stopped making sense.

...I was part of Hermione's nightmare. [Hermione, not Granger.] I was her, kind of like how I was you. And I heard things inside her head that I understood, and it scares me that I understood, and it makes me sick that I understand. Did you know that I would have been absolutely happy just dying that day in the girl's bathroom? Did you know I was sort of begging for everyone to stay away so I could bleed out and get out? I wasn't the lucky one then. I was never supposed to be the lucky one.

Dumbledore tried. Dumbledore tried to save me, he offered protection for us and I actually was going to take it. I thought that maybe I could fix things and everything could be okay again but then they arrived and they took it away.

"Didn't have the stomach for it. Just like his father." That's all I am to them. That's all I am to him. I'm the disappointment. I'm the easy target. I'm the one that can continually be punished for my failure and my father's failure.

I wanted everything to be okay but nothing's ever going to go back to the way things were. My father lied. My father tried telling me that if I turned in Potter everything would be forgiven and everything would be okay but I knew better. He lied to me. I'm not asking to be the hero but I can't be the villain anymore but it doesn't matter because I'm trapped in this and I have this fucking mark that bounds me for life! And for what? Nothing. Nothing. It's for nothing.

It doesn't matter if things are different in Asgard and it doesn't matter if I can have a different life here because you know what, Sophie, I can't get away from it. I can't make it stop, I can't make them stop. I've tried to make it all go away and it's not and goddamnit I don't want to do this anymore!

[There's a lot more to say that he's not going to bother with seeing how he has basically just. Dissolved entirely. Into open sobbing and yelling. Well. Good job, Sophie.]

[actually, yes, she does consider it a good job. that's what she was waiting for. sometime in the middle of his tirade sophie pulls him over so that his head is on her shoulder, which means he's yelling in her ear but she doesn't care at all. she's speaking softly into his in return, a lilting murmur that's just honest, not trying to soothe his hysterics]

Am I punishing you for making mistakes with me, Draco? Have I ever even come close to walking away? I knew what I was coming here for today. You don't need to be perfect for me. I don't want anything perfect. Perfect spits on things like me. I can't tell you what Jade wants, but I can tell you that the fights you've told me about are because you were trying to be perfect instead of yourself.

I know it's hard. I know you try. You were put into a situation where there's no way to win. Do you understand that? It's not about falling short of standards, it's that the standards are completely wrong no matter which way you look. Your father expected you to murder the most powerful wizard in the world, from what you've said. He expected you to murder anyone at all. Murder isn't good, Draco. It isn't a standard of perfection. And honestly, it's not who you are. That's not bad.

I'll be honest, I don't really understand wanting to die. I was dying, you know, when these gods brought me here. And I was all right with that. But that's not quite wanting to die. I've always wanted to live, because there's no easy way to kill me, and there's nothing after this for me. I die and I disappear from the world forever, and I suppose that bothers me a bit. The idea of never having met you bothers me a bit too. But wanting everything to stop, that I understand. It's not cowardly to want to escape, when you think the pain isn't ever going to stop.

If all they think you are is a disappointment, then to hell with them, Draco. They're wrong. They're disappointed that you aren't a murderer, that you aren't blindly following anywhere they lead, that you're a person instead of a tool. Are those really things to be disappointed in?

He did lie to you. And talked you into something you can't take back. But that doesn't mean you have to blindly obey it.

It does matter that you have a different life here, Draco. It's actually the only thing that matters, right now. It's the only thing you can do and can change. Do you want to know a secret, Draco? It's one I've apparently even been keeping from myself.

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