hollowchild | IC Inbox

I think it matters. And maybe that's what was and what will be, but it doesn't have to be what is. You can decide someone else's judgment matters now. You're just Draco. Nobody is demanding the ridiculous.

[besides draco himself. sophie is pretending not to notice his composure]

Completely not true. People may not be verbally demanding it but I commend my father for at least being clear about his expectations. With everyone else I have to do the guesswork and try even harder to be exactly what's expected. Let's take Jade for example. I'm never going to be exactly what she wants. I've accepted that, but I'm trying. In trying though I'm continually fucking everything up and I'm almost positive that if I continue I'm going to lose her for good. I'd rather not do that. I'd rather focus on perfection.

Let's take the apothecary for another example. Nobody wants to buy from a half-arsed wizard with half-arsed products. I have to be perfect in my formulas and my theories and my ideas. If I'm not, that's another set of people I'm failing.

Let's take you for example. I already made mistakes with you, too, that I can't take back. How am I supposed to be able to keep everything balanced and okay and actually live a life here if I can't even keep things perfect?

[He's really fixated on this idea and he's kind of growing into hysterics here.]

But it's hard. Okay? It's hard to try and actually accomplish these things because somehow, someway, someone's going to get fucked over and it's probably always going to be me which ties back into dishonoring the Malfoy name and being the biggest disgrace my father's ever seen. [Annnnd that's it. The floodgates have opened and he's just babbling a lot faster than usual, like he's trying to get everything out before he chickens out. Never mind the fact he might be hard to understand, never mind the fact he's crying, never mind the fact he's busy pulling at his bangs to give him something to do.]

I try. I try so much harder than I can even bother letting people believe because nobody would believe me anyway. I'm the arrogant one. I'm the selfish one. And I was because that's how I was successful, that's how I came out on top. Everything became several kinds of fucked up when I was told I had to be a teenage assassin and I had absolutely no one to take the fall and pass the responsibility off on. It was just me and me alone with the task and I knew that someone was going to get fucked over. I didn't want to kill Dumbledore. I didn't want to do any of what the mission entailed because it was too much. It meant way too much and everything was going to change and I was going to change and if I changed it wouldn't be according to my father's plans and so I was trying to stay on course and I was trying to find a way out and it just stopped making sense.

...I was part of Hermione's nightmare. [Hermione, not Granger.] I was her, kind of like how I was you. And I heard things inside her head that I understood, and it scares me that I understood, and it makes me sick that I understand. Did you know that I would have been absolutely happy just dying that day in the girl's bathroom? Did you know I was sort of begging for everyone to stay away so I could bleed out and get out? I wasn't the lucky one then. I was never supposed to be the lucky one.

Dumbledore tried. Dumbledore tried to save me, he offered protection for us and I actually was going to take it. I thought that maybe I could fix things and everything could be okay again but then they arrived and they took it away.

"Didn't have the stomach for it. Just like his father." That's all I am to them. That's all I am to him. I'm the disappointment. I'm the easy target. I'm the one that can continually be punished for my failure and my father's failure.

I wanted everything to be okay but nothing's ever going to go back to the way things were. My father lied. My father tried telling me that if I turned in Potter everything would be forgiven and everything would be okay but I knew better. He lied to me. I'm not asking to be the hero but I can't be the villain anymore but it doesn't matter because I'm trapped in this and I have this fucking mark that bounds me for life! And for what? Nothing. Nothing. It's for nothing.

It doesn't matter if things are different in Asgard and it doesn't matter if I can have a different life here because you know what, Sophie, I can't get away from it. I can't make it stop, I can't make them stop. I've tried to make it all go away and it's not and goddamnit I don't want to do this anymore!

[There's a lot more to say that he's not going to bother with seeing how he has basically just. Dissolved entirely. Into open sobbing and yelling. Well. Good job, Sophie.]

[actually, yes, she does consider it a good job. that's what she was waiting for. sometime in the middle of his tirade sophie pulls him over so that his head is on her shoulder, which means he's yelling in her ear but she doesn't care at all. she's speaking softly into his in return, a lilting murmur that's just honest, not trying to soothe his hysterics]

Am I punishing you for making mistakes with me, Draco? Have I ever even come close to walking away? I knew what I was coming here for today. You don't need to be perfect for me. I don't want anything perfect. Perfect spits on things like me. I can't tell you what Jade wants, but I can tell you that the fights you've told me about are because you were trying to be perfect instead of yourself.

I know it's hard. I know you try. You were put into a situation where there's no way to win. Do you understand that? It's not about falling short of standards, it's that the standards are completely wrong no matter which way you look. Your father expected you to murder the most powerful wizard in the world, from what you've said. He expected you to murder anyone at all. Murder isn't good, Draco. It isn't a standard of perfection. And honestly, it's not who you are. That's not bad.

I'll be honest, I don't really understand wanting to die. I was dying, you know, when these gods brought me here. And I was all right with that. But that's not quite wanting to die. I've always wanted to live, because there's no easy way to kill me, and there's nothing after this for me. I die and I disappear from the world forever, and I suppose that bothers me a bit. The idea of never having met you bothers me a bit too. But wanting everything to stop, that I understand. It's not cowardly to want to escape, when you think the pain isn't ever going to stop.

If all they think you are is a disappointment, then to hell with them, Draco. They're wrong. They're disappointed that you aren't a murderer, that you aren't blindly following anywhere they lead, that you're a person instead of a tool. Are those really things to be disappointed in?

He did lie to you. And talked you into something you can't take back. But that doesn't mean you have to blindly obey it.

It does matter that you have a different life here, Draco. It's actually the only thing that matters, right now. It's the only thing you can do and can change. Do you want to know a secret, Draco? It's one I've apparently even been keeping from myself.

[And he's not even protesting for once, just curling up against her and basically just bawling into her shoulder while he listens to her talk. He'll have to beg for forgiveness and deny this happened later but for the time being everybody can piss off. He's trying to reign it back in but considering what's just been said? That's going to be pretty impossible.]

…no, I suppose you haven't. But you're missing the point, Sophie. There is no being myself because there is no myself. Myself is the perfect clone I've been working on building for years. I can't just give that up, can I?

I don't know if my father knew at the time what the Dark Lord wanted. He was still in prison when they gave me that mission, but that doesn't change the fact that prior to that he was drilling me to fall into line and follow the standards set by the Dark Lord. He expected me to take care of my mother and if that meant murdering someone then that's what I was supposed to do.

I never really dreamed of dying prior to Sectumsempra. And it might have been the only good thing Potter ever did for me. [And he pauses…] Even in Asgard sometimes it hurts so much I want to die. But I can't because they'd just bring me back anyway. So I find alternatives. [Like coming here to get the crap beat out of him by Sophie.] The problem with alternatives is that it only stops things for a little while. Every time I lay awake and Jade's sleeping next to me I have to wonder when things are going to actually be okay.

They're things to be disappointed in when they're the only people at home most likely to accept us when this is all said and done. And even then that's iffy because of what my mother did during the war. Hermione told me. I have absolutely no idea where we stand but I'm a disappointment because any little step we miss was one step closer to the Dark Lord's downfall.

It mattered when it was just me. But now it's me, it's Granger, it's Lovegood and Weasley. They're all here and I can change all I want, but there are those people that won't notice anyway because I'm not trying hard enough, I suppose. [He settles for a loud sniffle.] What secret?

[sophie doesn't want apologies and she doesn't even want him to rein it in. she's small and skinny but she can hold him up, and her hands are cold but the rest of her is warm enough]

That perfect clone isn't you, it's what your father wanted you to be. Draco is the person that's my friend, the person who is moony stupid in love with Jade and the father of a dog-son. And no, you're not perfect, but you're real.

It's difficult for me to believe that he wasn't aware of what they could ask you to do. Perhaps not that particular thing, but it didn't really have to be that thing.

...I know how that is. You didn't think I do all the training I do out of sheer altruism, did you? I promised Connor that I'd stop going out looking to get hurt just to make my skin stop crawling for a little while. It's not good, it's pretty messed up, but I understand. This...it's better than a lot of things you could do. At least I know how far you can be pushed.

No, that's not right. That's not right, and that's the secret.

[she brushes a thumb over his cheek, terribly gentle, wiping away the tears there, turns her head so that she's almost whispering in his ear. it's not a whisper, but her voice is so low as to be barely audible, like this really is a revelation to her too]

The secret is that we're never going back. The you of right now, the me of right now, these people we've become, we're never going back there. Whether we win or lose the war, we are never going back. This person you are and this person I am who are so different from the people we were, they began here and will end here and there's no point, there's absolutely no point in worrying about a future that we, these people we are right now, will never ever see.

[He's pretty okay with just being curled up in a ball next to her and letting himself drown in his thoughts for the time being. When was the last time he legitimately cried like this anyway? A few years, at least.]

I know…but there are parts of the perfect clone that I like more than the real Draco that's been created from all of this bullshit. [He's quiet again though.] …I liked the clone before Dad was sent to Azkaban. [Dad. Not Father this time. Dad.] It's been an exercise in getting my life and confidence back together.

…there's something wrong with my relationship with my family, isn't there?

I knew you weren't because altruism rarely exists. That, and I know you. […oh shit.] Connor's not going to like this, is he? And I can probably be pushed a lot further than this, I'll have you know. [Sure Draco. Try bringing your face out of Sophie's neck and saying that.] It's something though. I really ought to invest in a punching bag or something.

[He's silent and still as soon as her hand touches his face, waiting with baited breath as Sophie speaks. And as she speaks his eyes widen a fraction as he tries to make the words sink in.] …you really don't believe in the subconscious, Sophie? [He knows she's right, but he likes to hang on and explore all the possibilities.]

[hey, there's even a real live person comforting him this time]

So then take some of it back. You get to decide who you are, Draco. The thing is, you really are brilliant. But you can be brilliant without having to worry about being better than everyone else, or thinking you can't make a mistake.

[she shrugs a little] You're asking the wrong person about family.

Connor's going to be upset with me, probably, but I know he'll understand why I did it. He...knows. A lot of things. [like how much it would have hurt her to watch draco struggling to escape] He's certainly seen me in vastly worse shape than this. Jade is the one who's going to be livid. And yes, I know you can be pushed further, but that doesn't mean you need to be.

Not in this case. Whatever was down in the heart of the world was pretty absolute about it. All things will return to how they were, which means that we won't be anymore, not really. The people we were will continue on as though nothing happened.

[Good Sophie. It's like having a Narcissa.]

So really what you're saying is chill the fuck out. [Sigh. He's changed a lot thanks to prolonged time with Jade, but he's competitive and brilliant. Kind of a bad combination.] We can try that, I suppose, but I don't see how well that will work.

[A watery sort of smirk.] I asked because I knew I wouldn't get a real answer.

I'll have to let him know I didn't mean it, in any case. [...but yes Jade is going to be livid he imagines.] Let me take care of Jade. She. I...[And he stalls again.] ...I have to tell her all of this eventually, don't I?

...I hate that idea. That almost gives me enough ammo to say "why bother?"

[she almost laughs]

Yes and no. Decide for yourself what you really value, and worry about those things.

[she scruffs at his hair] You may get an automatic 'yes' just on the grounds that it sounds a bit like mine, in some ways.

He knows I can handle myself. I expect Jade will have something to say to me regardless of how you try to excuse me. It probably won't make sense to her that you're bruised up because I care. And yes, you probably do have to tell her this, because it's the center of a lot of things.

[her thumb rubs over his cheek again]

You're looking at it backwards. The answer is 'why not bother?' You're free. The person who has to go back to those things isn't you. Yes, the past still exists, all the things we've done are still there. But we're never going back to them. Don't you want to know who you could be, without everyone else telling you what you have to be?

I value you people, I suppose. [To her credit, she's gotten him to calm down considerably so that he's no longer sobbing and screaming.]

What if somehow you and I are just alternate versions of one another? Think about the similarities, Sophie. It's a bit remarkable, isn't it? [He's only half-serious.]

What makes you so sure she'll go to you and not me? I'm the one she consistently calls a fuckass. [He tries to bite his lip again.] I have no idea how I'm supposed to tell her. I could barely tell you.

...I suppose so, yes. But on the other hand why waste time on something I don't get to keep forever?

That's a start.

Sometimes it's a little eerie, I will admit. [she's not taking him seriously, anyway]

Oh, I'm sure she'll go to you first. But I can't really imagine that she's going to let me have a pass on leaving bruises. [she catches him in the act of biting his lip, and what he gets instead is a bite of her thumb. ask her how much she cares that that's gross and salty with his tears and probably one or the other of them has bled on it] Come on, that just stopped bleeding. Maybe you should try writing it down. That way you can say it like you want to say it. [since she's pretty sure that he doesn't want to have anything approximating these hysterics on jade]

Because Jade? Because Osiris and Euri and your hair that really needs a trim and being your own person and making your own decisions? Nothing is forever, absolutely nothing. So what?

And I value being able to fly. I miss my old powers, of course, but this isn't a horrible trade-out.

Great. We can be eerie together.

Probably not...sometimes Jade's protective of me. [But he's suddenly sputtering because that is flesh that is not his.] Urgh! Stop that! [A huff...followed by what can only be described as a snuggle. Goddamnit Sophie.] ...I write a lot. For me. But I also have a journal just for her that she has absolutely no idea about. Maybe I'll see if I can write all of these things down without being tempted to burn everything. You've only heard like a fifth of the story as it is anyway.

...hush, my hair's fine. But...because Jade and Osiris and Euri and you. Because the apothecary. Because flight. Because Asgard, I guess. How'd you know growing my hair out was all about being my own person anyway?

I suppose it's not so bad if it's more than one person being eerie.

You stop that. [there's an obvious smile in her voice, though, and yes, he is getting snuggled. she's not the one who's been having the emotional fits but she could still use a hug] It would probably be less nervewracking than trying to say it. Although it might be easier the second time. And I'm fine with a fifth of the story if that's what you want to tell me.

Because you didn't have it in the dream. And because anyone who berates you about your tie isn't going to let you have fringe in your eyes. [and sophie is resolutely pretending she didn't notice her name on that list, but he can probably feel that her cheek has gone warm]

It's habit. Get used to it. [Whether he means the eeriness or the lipbiting it's hard to say. Probably both. Both of these children sorely lack in good feelings half the time. He's just going to stay right next to her side and lean his head on her shoulder while he thinks this through.] I have to break it into parts so I don't scare her again. It definitely won't be easier the second time. It'll be worse since I reckon I'll try to tell her to just come ask you anyway. [He sighs through his nose though.] ...for now. I'll tell you about Draco Malfoy and the Adventures in Inadequency and Jealousy later. Good story, at least seven years of material.

...very observant, aren't you. [Kind of in the way he's observant of that response. Yes, you silly girl, you're included there too.] Ironic really considering how long my father's hair is.

You can go back to chewing on yourself when you're not eating an open wound. The eeriness might just be chronic.

[she chews her lip too, when she's thinking or worried. it's one of those things she's wondered if he's noticed. he's comfortable against her side, though, and considering how much she pets his hair obviously she doesn't really find it silly]

Somehow I doubt that asking her to talk to me would go over exceptionally well, Draco. [she turns her head, sets her nose in his hair and lets out an amused breath] Work on telling Jade, I'll be around for storytime when you're ready.

I suppose? It's just sort of how I see things. And I'd say that you're going for a different sort of look than your father.

Everything's chronic. [He has noticed but he's never called her out on it. He's always just assumed it was for the same reasons as himself and therefore it was excusable.]

I doubt it as well, but when have things ever really gone well for me in that department? [He just huffs again. Ridiculous girls.] It'll take time, but I'll try. I'll have to come back soon then.

[He snorts.] If I ever have to hear the phrase "just like his father" ever again I may scream.

I suppose you could look at it that way.

[she nudges his head with her shoulder] If you don't like the way things go, try something different this time. And I'll be around.

Well, from what I've seen, you're not.

...you realize I owe you a lot for this, right? Name your price.

Be honest with Jade and stop trying to give up.

[from her tone and the smile she presses into his hair, she's serious but not]

You don't owe me anything, Draco. I'm not doing this for favors.

I have no idea what I'm even supposed to say. "Hey, I love you but I think you should know my father's a manipulative abusive bastard and I'm suicidal and I torture people for a living"? I don't think that'd go over very well.

I do owe you. It's a Malfoy thing. [No it's not. It's a Draco thing.]

Draco, you run an apothecary, that's hardly torturing people. Stop using the present tense . Otherwise it's not an entirely bad start. Better than twisting around it forever.

...sometimes I try to create potions for damage rather than good. That counts, doesn't it?

No.

You're not allowed to make excuses for me, you know.

I'm not making excuses. You're not allowed to leave all the whys off your explanations.

Edited 2013-04-24 23:38 (UTC)